I'm the college mom

I've spent my week in and out of class rooms at my new college. I have 9 credits done from my one year of college over 10 years ago and am now adding onto that with 10 more credits this semester. Algebra, English Comp 1, & Anatomy-Physiology. The math and English are there just because I have to have them but the one I really care about is my Anatomy & Physiology class. I have 3 semesters of prerequisites before I am able to move on to actual Nursing School. A dream of mine for a VERY long time. Eventually I'll be a Nurse Practitioner but for now I'm a college student, mom, wife.................

The list goes on and on. It is hard to transition your mind having just sent a 2 year old to time out for a tantrum to changing a really poppy diaper from a 6 month old to sitting in English Comp next to a kid either just out of high school or barely out. It's like trying to have a decent conversation with a brick. I've met other adults my own age who are either just married, no kids, or a man. And let's just say it out loud here, when you are a man and you are married with children (hey, wasn't that a tv show at one time) you still have it better than us mom's. I'm not trying to say we're better or do more, but listen, we do more. I remember when my husband was going to college. We had one child and then added another one during that time. He would go to work where he would sit down at a desk and end up doing some of his homework there. He would come home, eat dinner that was fixed FOR him, leave for class and not think a second thing about whether the kids were being cared for or not. That wasn't a worry when he started school. For me, and most mom's, the biggest questions is "What am I going to do with my kids?" We sit in the classroom trying to get a degree because for reasons not all of us understand we didn't get it done before we had kids and now we feel stuck. We also want our girls to expect more out of themselves but can't tell them to do so without doing it ourselves. So, we get up early in the morning and don't stop until we lay our heads down late at night. And sometimes, our head has to come off that pillow during the night for reasons named Child 1, child 2, child 3, and hyper dog. We wake up with still a tinge of exhaustion lingering. And not the kind of exhaustion that most college students face. It's the emotionally draining exhaustion of giving to our families and trying to find a sense of who we are underneath it all.

It is hard and this is only my first week. But, I have one week down and only 15 more to go! Go me! Go all you other college moms!

My Orchard

I often get inspirational tid bits from Twitter. This morning as I was reading through the tweets of those I follow, I ran across @prodigaljohn. His said this,

@prodigaljohn: Everyday the enemy tries to offer you an apple, when God has already given us an orchard.

I contemplated this for awhile, all day actually. Tonight while I was doing my 3rd round of vacuuming I was thinking about that. Today the enemy handed us an apple. I began to think about the ladder part of that tweet, "when God has already given us an orchard." I don't believe that it is always easy to FIND the orchard, however. God has given us an orchard but that doesn't always mean that it is right in front of our faces. I think more times than not, it really has everything to do with how God takes nothing, us, me, you, and makes something. My dad has said for years that when you don't know what else to do, you just stand. Stand and be faithful. Being faithful in your mind as well as your heart. You can give your tithe, ready your Bible, and pray every single day but if you are not thinking with positive "orchard" thoughts, then nothing that you DO is going to make much of a difference. Choosing to not stay in the state of just having an apple but looking forward. Onward to the orchard that is already yours and mine.

I'm not sure WHERE our orchard is or when we will find it but I know it is there. I think it is a peach orchard. Big, plumb, fuzzy peaches that when you take a big bite into them the juice dribbles down your chin onto your shirt and the meat of the peach melts in your mouth. I envision a well designed sign, cause that's how we do things around here, in the front of the orchard that says, "I am always faithful." I know that once we find that orchard there will still be a worm or two along the way, but I can feel the breathe of God on my neck and I know that he is ever so close. I will put one foot in front of the other and just like a mother holding the hands of her little toddler giving her walking assistance, so will God be holding me close with each step that I take.

Hebrews 10:23

The end of an era

"The end of an era is defined as a significant amount of time." -Monica Geller

The last five years has been a significant amount of time for me. I have spent almost every day since May 24, 2005 committed to being a stay at home mom to my daughter, Grace. She starts school on Thursday and the end of spending every waking moment with her is coming, very quickly, to an end. I'll be honest that this brings great joy to me. I have 2 other children that bide for my time and having Grace at school will free my time up to take care of the other two and get things done during their nap times, which Grace no longer takes. There is that part of me that is so tired of being that stay at home mom and is going to be eagerly waving good-bye to her as she departs on the school bus. Then instantly following that eagerly good-bye is a deep sorrow for myself. She will begin a journey into becoming a young lady, a young woman, to eventually a woman of excellence. I am confident that she will excel in all she puts her mind to and I know without doubt that she will succeed, even in Kindergarten. The deep sorrow for myself is remembering the 3 day of her life when we had to bring her back up to the hospital because of her low biliruben and the nurse dropped her vile of blood everywhere and then rudely says, "We have to do it again." This mama went to bat for my baby and requested another nurse. The beginning of Mama Bear began. My heart takes flight to the day when my life felt like it was at its end with my marriage, living with my in laws, trying to figure out where the next dollar was going to come from. I would waken early to pull Grace close to me to feed her the way only a mother can. Then I would escape in her smell and wish myself to be in another place with her. My mind escapes to the time when all the darkness was far behind me, us, and she took her first steps in our very sad little apartment. As she would carry a bright red ball down the hallway that was almost bigger than her with the biggest, and most accomplished, smile planted on her face. I smile at the thought. Then I cry at the memory of her being 15 mo. old in the cutest brown poppy cotton dress as she stood leaning backward in the chair at the airport gate waiting for her Grammy, Papa, and Aunt Jenni to arrive from across the ocean after not seeing her since she was just 12 weeks old. Mostly, I laugh, smile, and my eyes twinkle with the many vivid memories of her brilliant personality that takes flight the moment she wakens in the morning and doesn't go to sleep until, well, she is fast asleep in her bed. Her creative imagination is just one of the many things I love about my Grace and I know that although, to me, it's the end of an era it's really only the beginning. Thursday is the first day of the rest of her life. I'll be ready with an after school snack when she steps off the bus to hear every little detail in a way that only Grace can give.

Happy School Year, my dear Gracie Girl.

Promise, Possibility

I am a Promise.

I am a Possibility.

I am a Promise

With a capitol P

I am a great big bundle of potentiality

And if you listen,

You can hear God's voice

And if you're trying

You can make the right choice

You are a Promise to be

Everything He wants you to be.

We all have fears. I fear failure. I question myself constantly. Am I a good enough mother? Will my kids end up laying on a couch in a counselors office because of me? Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? Am I a good enough wife? Could I do more?

It is hard to look into the mirror and see what my husband sees. The way my kids see me when they hug my neck. Most importantly, the way my Creator sees me. The One who formed me in my Mother's womb. The One who created the universe and placed the stars in the sky, also created me for a purpose. It is hard to remember that I am made in the very image, likeness, of God himself.

I know I sell myself short. I know I limit my own possibility by letting the darkness of evil override the beauty that God gave me. And I know that if I can look at these three little people and see nothing but beauty, pureness, and endless possibilities then I know that I am apart of that same promise.

Main Entry: promise

Function: noun

1: reason to expect something ; especially: ground for expectation of success, improvement, or excellence

Main Entry: possibility

Function: noun

1: the condition or fact of being possible
2 archaic: one's utmost power, capacity, or ability
3: something that is possible
4: potential or prospective value --usually used in plural

Grace

Hope

Noel

I have reason to expect success out of myself because I am not just me. I am full of the likeness of the same God that created my very beautiful and perfect children.

Date Night IN

When my husband and I were first married we would "date" all the time. We spend so much time just having fun together that I began grieving for those years lost after I had my 2nd baby. I say the 2nd baby because after the 1st baby, we didn't slow down much. We would still go to movies with her sleeping in her car seat. We went to dinner all the time. We did whatever it was that we really wanted to do and she would just come right along with us. She was our buddy, for sure. Once the 2nd baby came along, we realized that we had to slow down more. Having 2 children doubles the chances of a tantrum, break down of some dramatic sort, or someone being fussy. Also, by this time the first baby was a toddler.

Recipe for Disaster

1 discontent toddler

1 baby

Mix them together. It's that simple.

Now, with baby #3 we have found our life to be at an almost standstill. Not quite but we only rotate the kid friendly places. Library. Farm Park. Zoo. Mall play area. Grammy's. Repeat. We hardly ever actually go out for dates because let's face it, paying childcare for 3 kids is just downright expensive. By the time we leave for a date we have about $10 left for our date. Doesn't seem fair. So, we've gotten creative here at home. Every Saturday I'm going to be sharing with you a stay at home date idea. I hope that this brings a little more sizzle in your life.

#1

Picnic in the Park

1 Large fluffy blanket

1 picnic packed into a basket

1 bottle of wine/drink of choice

2 glasses that are not plastic or are not a colored tumbler

1 game of truth or dare

You can either do this picnic in your back yard or in your living room. Either way, make it fun and romantic. When it comes to the food, you can do take out, which is always a much needed break for the Mom of the house. If you do make your dinner put it in plastic containers just as you would a picnic. Act like you are leaving your house and won't be able to go back into your kitchen that is in the next room.

Get to know one another like it is the first time. I don't care how long you've been married, there is always things to learn. Then let the night go where it might. :)

Have a great weekend!

Welcome August

August is just 2 days away. August is a big month for me. I love August for many reasons. First of all, I HATE August because it is always the hottest month of the year. I'm talking 108 degrees with 75% humidity. Yeah, not fun. The reason I love August is because amongst the heat and the sweltering humidity you can smell the crisp Fall that is approaching. School starts which is always a welcomed treat for many moms. This is my first year with a child in school full time. I will wave good-bye as I send my oldest off to Kindergarten. August is also when you will walk through the mall and see the newest clothing coming out for those cool days that are coming. August is the month when I begin to start thinking about the holidays and dreaming of ginger bread cookies cut out to look like little men and the smells of apple butter cooking in the crock pot. August is the preview of my most favorite time of the year. It is the anticipation that I love. I have been anticipating August as this is the month that changes it all. Changes my life for good. I start college. Something that I have been dreaming of for well over 5 years. I will be finishing what I started over 10 years ago and for that I say, "Welcome August!"

Magic

My husband is a song writer. I'm not talking kinda a song writer. I'm talking "should be a John Mayer song" kind of song writer. He doesn't know it but I have several of his song stashed away in a folder or in my drawers. He will write them on pieces of paper and leave them out. I will wait to see if he is going to do something with the paper and maybe he already put it in his macbook, for all I know. Eventually, I pick up the paper and stash it away. Then today as I'm organizing my clothes I find one. I read it and begin to tear up knowing that the man that I'm married to loves me like this. It makes a girl weak at the knees.

I'm still amazed that you are standing here with me

Still amazed that you chase me

You've given me the wings to

fly over this earth

I just want to give you me

I can still hear the cry

from the room where she was born

I can still see the tears on

your face

I've never been good at

sharing all that burns in me

But, I need to tell you this

It's been a journey that we've

both been traveling

Sometimes it seems a million years

There's no on else I'd rather

walk it with

There'll be better days than this

But when it's long

I'll find the magic in your kiss

When you're down

I will lift you up again

I will remember

Where the magic always lives

It lives in you

It lives in you

Words by Bryan Thompson

Dear Pastor

There is a new awakening that has happened to me in the last 3 months. An awakening that has been both freeing and extremely sad all at the same time.

I am addressing my blog post to the many pastors that will speak from the pulpit on Sunday mornings.

Dear Pastor,

My name is Kristin. I am a Pastor's daughter turned Missionaries daughter turned Pastor's wife. I am the wife of any one of your staff pastors at your church right now. I am the wife that would be at every function standing beside her husband as much as possible. I am the organizer of the events that would have my husband's name on them. I am the heart and soul of my home in which enables my husband to conquer the job with greatness.

I am also a woman that is fed up. I'm fed up with so much that the "church" has to offer these days. My soul is burdened by the pastors who are leading them. It seems that so many of you have lost your way. You've forgotten why you were called into the ministry in the first place. You've forgotten about the moment when you felt your body taking the plunge into the unknown of church ministry. Or maybe you've been in this your whole like, much like myself, and it's pretty much all you've ever known. Either way, you've lost so much along the way. By the hurt, pain, tiredness, or just plain anger towards people in general. Whatever it might be, please let me share with you something that you may have forgotten.

I would ask you to look at your families that are on your staff right now. Think about them. Think about their children. Think about their wives. Their about their parents. Think about them. Consider them. Care for them. Love on them. But, most of all, be honest with them. They deserve that.

Now, stop and think about the people who teach the Sunday School classes. Think about the volunteers that are up at the church early to go over the music for Sunday morning. Think about the many, many, many different areas of the church that are filled with passionate people that just want to serve God. Then ask yourself this question. Would you still do what you are doing if you didn't get paid anything? Would you still give, if you didn't gain a pay check? That is exactly what the people of your church do every single week. They work jobs where they don't get home until after 5:30 most nights. They spend a little time with their wife and kids and then do it all again the next morning. They get up on Saturday morning and spend the day with their family or if there is a special event at the church, they'll give of their weekend to be at church knowing that Monday morning will come and they will get up and go to work. They won't gain an extra day of time off in their week because they had to be at church on a Saturday or a Sunday. They don't get a paycheck for their time. And yet, when they come to you with a need you will smirk and tell them, "Well, if that's a need of your then why don't you start that?" or you will give the good preacher statement of, "We'll be praying about that with you." Only you go home and don't think a second thing about it. You have LOST passion for people.

Please do not think that I am putting all pastors of all churches into one big pile. I'm not. There are thousands of pastors that have vision for the ministry that God birthed in their soul. They care beyond care for those in their church and community. I will admit, however, that we have only worked for one such pastor in the 8+ years of being in full time church ministry. To that pastor I say thank you for showing us that pastors like you do exists. They aren't all cheats and liers that constantly go before congregations Sunday after Sunday and "pretend". For you who are the pretenders, I pray for you. I don't just say that, like yourself, but I do pray for you. Every Sunday morning as my husband and I struggle to fit into a church again because of the deep scars that have been placed in our souls by you, the pastors, I pray for you. It's the only way I know how to change my own heart.

If that is you who have lost your passion or vision, it's okay for you to do something else. Please. I have 3 children who are young and I would like them to grow up in a church where their pastor sees them and has a passion for them.

Fix it, Jesus

Last month I opened up about my struggle with PMDD. I got a lot of feedback from many of you out there saying that you also, although silently, struggle with it as well. It was extremely peaceful to know that I am not alone in my feeling of "craziness" for 1 week out of the month, each and every month.

This month I've been very aware of my emotions. My ups. My downs. And I've taken those emotions into my own hands. I decided that if our minds control our bodies, then they must control our hormones as well. So I tried something that I didn't even tell my husband about. Positive thinking. I have to laugh at not telling my husband this. It wasn't because I thought he'd laugh at me. It was because he has talked to me about this for YEARS! I agreed with him to a point but then laughed at him past that point. "OKKKKAY Mr. Tony Robins," I'd say. It worked though. That and a lot of other things I tried. If you are my mom, please excuse my complete openness of this blog. If you are my mother in law, please excuse me. If you are someone who gets embarrassed easily, don't read any further. I'm open but it is in that openness that I hope some of you will find to be helpful in your own life.

1. I've been working out 5-6 days a week. I either do elliptical, run/walk outside, or put on a Pilate's dvd. I've also upped the amount of time I workout. I've been shooting for 45-60 minutes. It seems to have made a difference in my overall feeling of health. And I've lost a few pounds.

2. I've had a lot of sex. Yes, I have. I read something awhile back about how sex can be a huge stress reliever and that it also helps with the balance of hormones. SO, I thought, WHY NOT?! I committed myself, without telling my husband although he has been one happy man this month, to 4-5 times a week. Some of you might think, "WOW that's a lot." While some of you might think, that's normal. I'll just leave this topic at this, having 3 kids and the youngest at only 4 1/2 months, 4-5 times is a lot. But, you know what it did for me? It made me more in love with my husband, first of all. It made our connection that much greater. It also made me more aware of how I talked, treated, and responded to my husband in those "emotionally" unstable moments. If I can control these emotions around my kids, then why can't I around my husband? I mean, after all, he was getting the brunt of this PMDD crap! Not fair to him, not fair to me, and not fair to us.

3. I drank Republic of Tea's Get a Grip tea. I found it at the health food store. I've been drinking 2 cups of either that tea, green tea, or Tension Tamer tea. I have to say that I think that it has helped. It is calming. Gives me a moment to just breathe.

4. Starting each day with a scripture. I've been reading a short devotional every day and this has been a big thing for me. I will uncover a scripture that I'll run over and over in my head that day and I will meditate on the scripture and forget about my problem. This, by far, has been the best thing for me because I've come to that place with Christ where it's not about me!

It's hard, even still. There are those moments when I feel like I'm going to lose it. There are still those moments when I scream into a pillow because I feel like going crazy. But, this month there has been more calming moments. There has been more moments where I find myself in thoughts of how much I'm loved. I remember being in counseling a very long time ago and Mr. Fent told me, "You are loved and you are lovable." I've never forgotten that. PMDD tells you you are worth nothing. It tell you, at times, that you have nothing to give and how could anyone love you the way you are. My friends, this "disorder", "hormone imbalance", or whatever you or I would like to call it, is NOT of Christ. He took this disorder the day he was nailed to that cross. I've been declaring my healing of this throughout this month and I feel it happening. I'm not the "name it and claim it" type of person but I am claiming my healing from this PMDD that likes to creep in like a thief in the night. I will not let it run my life. And you don't have to either. Find what works for you. Above all else, lean on the creator of your body, mind, and soul. "Fix it, Jesus."

Living in a Tiny House

Watching this video makes me envy this man in his tiny house. The life that he has set up for himself looks like so much less stress. No more spending Saturdays cutting the grass. No more major upkeep of a house. Just living. It's kinda like food consumption if you really think of it. We spend HOW MUCH on food per year that either makes us fat or we poop. I would venture to say that not many of us just eat food to stay alive which is what the real purpose of eating food.

So, the question that plaques me today is, what would my life look like if I lived as a minimalist? What stresses would I be giving up? How would this kind of life be for my kids? Something to think about? Sure makes me want to get rid of most of my "stuff" that I never use. And it definitely doesn't make me not want a BIGGER house to just be a consumer. Then there's the spiritual nature of it all. We are here as Christ's hands extended, right? Why isn't that our main focus of life? I'll be the first to admit that I spend more time thinking about my life and how to better it than how to better someone elses. Yep, it sure makes you think. Or at least it does me.

Reality

The reality of life has begun to set in for my 5 year old daughter. Last week she asks me, "Is the stuff on tv real?" I tell her as honestly as I could that most of what is on tv is not real. Then today she asks if Santa and Rudolph are real. My mind races while she stands there staring at me for the answer to her question. I tell her simply that just like all the characters on tv such as Dora or Blue that Santa and Rudolph are also something that we enjoy having fun with during Christmas time but that, no, it is not real.

I feel sad for some reason. Maybe its because of the knowledge that my little baby girl is growing up. Or maybe its because I want to see her keep the imagination world alive as long as possible. That's where dreams come true. That's where the princess finds her prince. That's where all things are possible if you only believe in fairies. She doesn't know that the dawn of reality that is beginning to form in her mind is filled with more disappointments than she can count. She doesn't realize that the reality that what the world has to offer is filled with hate, hurt, and horror.

Then I let me mind play in the other direction. Reality is also where I find myself wrapped in the arms of my loving husband. Reality is where I live daily and get to feel the soft breathe of my baby snuggling in my neck. Reality is where the bills come in piles out of the box outside my door and where God provides favor to pay them all. Reality is where all things are possible if you believe in Jesus. Reality is where miracles happen to the dying. Where mountains are moved by faith and bad choices are erased by grace. So, maybe reality is worth knowing about. Because even in reality, dream do still come true.

I save the world from disaster!

There I was standing in a group of people from a world that was foreign to me. They spoke in terms of "returns" and "lock boxes". I would shake my head but the entire time nothing but a "Friends" episode was playing in my head. You know the one where Joey buys an Encyclopedia because he's tired of just nodding along with his friends acting like he knows what their talking about but doesn't. I was Joey. After a lot of nodding and using my "work laugh", also from a Friends episode, I got the question. If you're a stay at home mom, you know what I'm talking about.

"So, what do you do?" The variety of different ways to answer this question flooded my mind. Which one do I pick?

"I clean poop all day!"

"I'm teach colors and shapes to the first woman president!"

"I'm enriching the lives of Americans by make sure that I raise good citizens."

"I do it all, that's what I do!"

But, I quickly responded with a smile and a "I'm a stay at home mom of 3 girls." Then the response that most people give that don't really "get it", "Oh." They smile and move on to the next person because they think they don't have anything more to say to me.

This got me wondering. How can I answer that question with more than just the general, "I'm a stay at home mom" answer? It just doesn't seem to do, what I really do all day much justice. So, what's your answer to this question.

"So, what do you do?"

Spit Happens

Lately Noel has been spitting up a lot. It seems that she's continually slobbering and soaking through bib after bib. It's just that time in her life when she's teething. It's such hard work to grow those teeth. The pain, suffering, and constant reminder of the drool dripping from her chin that changes are happening.

When we moved from Portland to Springfield, we were unsure about jobs or when our next paycheck was coming. We felt we were in a risk whether we stayed in the current job we were in or whether we just stepped out and made the change. It has proven to be the best decision we've made in our life. But, even with the best decision doesn't make them easy decisions or easy on life.

Bryan was very fortunate to get a job pretty quickly after moving. Unfortunately he was hired through a temp agency and although he will go full time with the company in August, the first 90 days he works for the temp agency. Really all this means is that his paychecks are very minimal. We went from making 4 times what we are making right now in a month. That isn't easy to do. I could talk about the stress of the financial or the stresses of just simply not having a washer and dryer. But, I'm not going to spend my time on those things. What I will tell you is that I go to my mom's house twice a week and do my laundry for free. I will tell you that we paid our rent this month. I will tell you that our life has so much less stress in it. I will tell you that we enjoy our weekends and being together.

Spit happens some times. You don't sit and fret about the spit. You just change the bib or wipe the face off and move on. Sometimes so much spit happens that you have to change clothes but all that means is that in the valley of the spit, there is a mountain of a grin with sweet little teeth on the other side.

James 1:2-3

²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Showin' some Lovin'

First let me start by saying that in our house we are "equal opportunity". I cook because Bryan sucks at it. I stay home with the kids because I want to. I believe in equality in the home. I don't believe that God made one higher or "over" another. I do not bring Bryan tea while he sits in his chair that is pointed directly towards the tv. If he wants tea, he usually gets it himself. If he wants tea and I'm in the kitchen, sure, I'll get him some. Bryan treats me with just as much respect, if not more, as he'd treat any other man or woman. I'm his wife. He is my husband. We live together because we committed our lives to one another. To SERVE one another. We've found that in our home, that means each of us pulling our own weight then pitching in to help each other out. Bryan and I work together on just about every issue, task, or job in our home and with our kids. Bryan gets up almost every night to feed the baby and lets me sleep. This isn't come kind of conspiracy. He does it mainly because its his only time to spend one on one with the baby for most of the week. He gets home from work and is able to spend a little over a hour with her before she goes to bed. Also, he does it because one of my weaknesses is sleep. I have to have it or I get sick. He knows this and does it because he loves me.

I clean most of the time. First of all, I'm a stay at home mom, I should be the main one to clean. I'm home, he's not. He's working OUTSIDE the home and I WORK inside the home. The only difference, besides the paycheck, in our work is the kind of work it is. At the end of the day, he's tired and wants to come home. At the end of the day, I'm tired and want to leave. It's a catch 22 because one of us are always having to compromise.

Bryan hates to iron. He isn't a planner. He is a last minute kind of guy and that really annoys me to no end. I think we'll be old and gray and it will still annoy me. There is plenty that I do that annoys him. Like having to plan everything to the 15th detail. Yeah. That's annoying to him. But, we compromise. I've been working on seeing things that he lacks strength in and filling in those gaps. So, I iron his clothes. As much as I hate the picture in my head of the lady with a hankie tied around her head to catch the sweat beads with a big heavy iron in her hand and 5 kids running around her, I'm ironing. I hate to iron. But, I do it because when my husband gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby and I snooze right through it without care, I want him to know that I appreciate the thought. I want him to know that I see his love in action. I want him to know that no matter what our roles are in our home, I am his wife. I'm his woman. I'm the one he can depend on to be there and to show him love through it all. So, I iron. You're welcome, honey.

Nightlight

Life with 3 kids can be, well for lack of better words, poppy. It is downright exhausting and overwhelming. I can never start something of my own that I get to finish. I am constantly interrupted no matter what I'm doing. This includes using the bathroom, taking a shower, blogging, working out, or fixing dinner. Shoot even getting myself some lunch gets interrupted by the constant drone of the wants, complaints, and the whining.

By human nature, we are selfish people. We want what we want and we want it when we want it. It is hard to think of others. Being a mom puts this desire for self to the test more than any "job" I know of. The more kids, the less of you. This is hard for me. I'll admit it, I like my "me" time. I like working out without interruption. I enjoy taking a shower without needs being presented. And I would love some time to fix a sandwich and sit down at the table and just eat. Currently, I eat on the go. I eat in small increments of time over the course of the day.

This last weekend we went to my brother in law's wedding. As they were standing up before the entire room filled with people my eyes were pulled over to the best man, who happens to be my husband. My mind began to fill with memories of our wedding day over 8 years ago. I smiled at the thoughts. Then my lips began to be pulled down and met my eyes with a blank stare. The last 8 years have been hard. Very hard. I didn't stay in the memory for very long, I pulled my eyes and my mind back to the present moment of the young couple saying their vows but the rattling thoughts of heart break was something I couldn't shake. Then I turned my attention to the other side of the couple to the flower girl, who happens to be my oldest daughter. Again a smile. Then "the look" at her to leave her dress alone. At that moment I saw her hand go up near her face and a petite thumb poked up to give me a thumbs up.

Today I struggle with the thoughts that filled my mind on that day. My husband and I have been dragged through the mud of church ministry. It feels like we've been put on display dealing with the lose of our baby boy at 19 weeks pregnant. The scars run deep in our souls that leave us, today, wondering what its really all about. I don't have the answer in this blog post today. But, I do know that the 3 time consumers of my life are my purpose for now. Grace in all her passionate drama, Hope with her 2 year old frustrations, and Noel in her 4 month joy. They are mine. They are ours. The smile is put back on my face today because although there's been a lot of hurt, my husband and I have made it good. We've laughed through the sadness and we've held each other on those dark and cold nights. And he always leaves the nightlight on for me.

Healthy Me.

Honestly is something that I've been accused of being. It's something that I love about myself. I believe in honestly. And so here goes my honestly, once again.

I'm struggling. Really bad struggling. I have something that is abbreviated as PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I have 3 really great weeks out of my month where I feel like myself and then about 7-10 days before my cycle I'll have every symptom that is listed under PMDD. I hate myself during this time. I know that I can't control my feeling or emotions which makes me want to hide under a rock. Then I go through the emotion of wondering why my husband would ever want to be married to someone like me. Feeling completely at a loss of who I am.

Then one day I'll wake up after the week of hell, which feels more like a month, and the sun will have risen and I'll feel lighter. This is a disorder that is extremely hard to deal with naturally but I'm committed to doing it. My first step is to reevaluate the way I eat. What foods do once they enter my body is something that I'm learning more and more about. Exercising. Conquering the weight gain once and for all.

I have a lot of questions as I'm on this journey to emotional and physical health. One is about hormones in our foods and what do they do to us. Gluten? What does it do and how could it affect me. Even going so far as to explore what a life might look like as a vegan. I'm exploring and I'm learning. I'm sure my anatomy class and my nutrition class will sure help me understand my own body.

Relationships

I'm a mom of a 5 year old, 2 1/2 year old, and a 4 month old. I don't know what its like to have your child graduate from high school and move away to college. Or to have your child pursue a job that takes them more than a days drive from "home". I don't know what it might feel like to have the baby that kicked around inside of you and giggled at the sight of you with bright eyes, marry someone and move half way across the country. I don't know how any of that feels. I might, one day.

I married into a family that is from another part of the country than I am from. We try to visit as often as we can, but even that is only once a year. When we go we often hear the question of "why we don't live closer?". It begins to feel as though where ever we decided to live in our life, will never be quite good enough unless it is within a 3 hours drive. It's hard as the "outsider" to not take all these comments from family and friends to be personal, since I am not from there feeling as though I'm to blame for "taking" their boy from his habitat. My perspective on the whole thing is my own reality of today. We live here, you live there. That's reality right at this moment. Why contemplate what could be and miss out on what is? It's something my husband and I talk about often. We only have today. And really we don't even have that. We have this moment. So, let's take this moment by the horns and live it to the fullest.

As I parent and become the person I desire to be. My prayers begin to change. I'm praying that I can be flexible with my kids in allowing them my blessing to go and be whatever it is they choose. To enjoy their visits to the fullest without wishing or wanting more than they can give. To realize that my job is to raise them in the knowledge of Christ and believe in themselves to conquer life on their own in a way that makes me proud. But, to also know that their life is not about me. God didn't give me charge over them for this time in order for them to "serve" me in a way that I deem acceptable. I pray that God grants me the understanding to accept who they are even now. So often, as parents, we take for granted that our kids are so much apart of us that we fail to give them room to be something apart from us. I admit that there are parts of my oldest daughter that I don't understand and she's only 5. But, I accept those parts as hers. My children are really not my own. God has granted me the privilege of being their parent for this time. Ultimately, they are God's. We are all God's. One day if the road that Grace travels lands her in some foreign country, I'll use whatever means I can to stay in contact with her and embrace her life for her. Giving my unharnessed blessing because in that she will become free to be who she is. Knowing that in my own sacrifice of love for her, she will respect me even more and desire to be apart of MY life and not just me desiring to be apart of HER life.

I hope and pray that when that time comes, I can make those choices right. I pray that for now, I accept who each of my children are in their own unique personalities. Not an easy task, but one that is worth my time of learning.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

It's been said to me on more than one occasion that I look like my dad. His eyes disappear when he smiles and so do mine. When he laughs hard, he tends to suck in air and makes a sound that makes you think of a donkey. And, though not many know it, I do that too. He is a planner. So am I. He is always early. Guilty of that too. More than all of the personality quirks that make dad, Dad. He has taught me about life and spirituality that no other ever has.

When I was a young teenager my dad and I did not always get along. He was trying to protect me from "the world" and I was trying to experience "the world". We did not see eye to eye on the subject. The lesson I learned from those years of trial and error, mostly error, was that my dad would love me through it. He wasn't always proud of my choices, but what parents is all the time, but his love never wavered. I remember hearing my dad praying in the early mornings hours. He wouldn't know it, but I'd stand in the hallway at times and listen to his prayers. He prayed for me. My dad likes me. Dad used to say as we would be smashed tog ether in the backseat of a Pontiac Bonneville, "Even if ya'll weren't my family, I'd still want to hang out with you." As much as I'd laugh at this silly thought of him hanging out with me if I wasn't his daughter, it always stayed with me. My dad liked me for me. He never expected me to be more or less than who I was. He expected greatness out of me, but nothing that wasn't already put there by God.

Dad taught me to dream. Dream big, dream freely, and dream often. I love this about my Dad. I still remember to this day when he called a "family meeting" to tell us all that him and Mom were applying to be missionaries. My heart was on cloud 9. Missions has been my heart's cry since I was 12 and to this day, bleeds for people. I get this from my Dad. There were many nights when my dad would get up in the middle of the night due to a phone call concerning someone in need. He saw people as people and nothing less. My Dad is a giver. Because of this, I still can't sit through a missionaries sermon without wanting to empty my bank account.

My dad is a spiritual Champion in my life. He lived before me a life of faithful prayer and communication with God. Dad was never all that good at praying with us, but that's okay. Because when he would pray, it could move mountains. I'd take quality over quantity any day.

My Dad loves my Mom. His eyes light up like a little boy on Christmas morning when he knows he has gotten her something she is going to love. A couple Christmas' ago he got her a blue topaz necklace. It was a gift to me just to watch and hear his excitement over it. On Christmas morning it was almost as entertaining to watch him watch her open the special gift. He loves my Mom and that is a gift that a girl will never want to return.

My Dad is a good Papa. When I had Grace, my Dad stood outside the room waiting to hear the cries of his first grandchild. I think he may have cried that day. When I was on bed rest with Hope, my dad and I spent a lot of time together. I'd lay on the couch or sit in the opposite recliner with him and we'd watch old movies. During my 9 months of being pregnant I think we watched "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" at least 3 times. Dad took care of me since my husband was working long hours. He gave me security during that time when I felt I had none.

Dad isn't the kind of guy that you just call up and talk to for hours on end. He doesn't speak a lot of words but there are times when he'll say something to me and I know to listen because I know it will be worth my attention. Dad has wisdom.

So, Dad, thank you for loving me. Thank you for liking me. I'm so glad that God chose me to be you daughter. It's a pleasure. Happy Father's Day.

Let the adventure continue.....

I have three kids. There's absolutely never a dull moment. In fact, as I am writing this my 2 year old is jumping excitedly on the couch while my 5 year old is running continuous circles around her with some long stick like thing yelling, "You can't catch me, you can't catch me, you can't catch me...." while the 2 year old is giggling hysterically with short breaths of growling like a monster. Yes, this is my life.

Yesterday was one of those days where nothing went right. The schedule were all off which made me feel out of control and it seemed like everyone was crying for most of the day. It was one of those days where when I went out for my run, I ran hard. I got it all out and returned home refreshed and in much better spirits for my husband to spend the evening with.

While enjoying the silence of the evening, I received an e-mail from a friend that shared another blog with me from a women who also has the exciting life of 3 children. I read it and cried when I read, "...you can do this." I so needed to hear that, or rather, read that. This came after I had filled two garbage bags full of Grace's toys because she refused to clean her room that same evening. This came after Hope had taken a bright red marker to the walls in her sisters room and expressed herself vividly. This came after I had spent my entire morning with my 3 1/2 month old tied to my hip as she screamed her head off between flashes of smiles because of teething. This came after the physical expression of Hope throwing her body on the ground when I would not pick her. This came after a bill that I am unable to pay at the moment made its way into my mailbox only to add to the stress of an already frustrating day. "You can do this," is exactly what I needed at that very moment.

Thanks fellow blogger. I gotta go now. The 2 year old is pretend "crying" trying to get her older sister in trouble for only God knows what. Let the adventure continue.

By the way, here's some pics I've taken recently. Hope you enjoy them as much I do.

Wrinkles

John 10:10

¹⁰The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

The other day my husband was close to my face and was telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. As I listened to him share his heart filled love for me, I looked closely at his face. He has little freckles that run across his upper nose and under his eyes. Then in the corners of his eyes he has small creases that are beginning to form. There are little grey hairs that are beginning to poke up around his head. And I had to smile at all I had seen. Over 8 years ago we vowed to each other to stick it through the hard times and we have done just that. We've seen much loss. Much heartache. Much hurt. Also, much joy and happiness. We've laughed a lot. We've cried just as much. We've fought and wondered if we were going to make it through. We've loved so deeply that we felt our hearts would explode. We've created 4 children with one we have yet to look upon.

God never promised us that life would be easy. But he did promise that he would give us life to the fullest. I think that means that even when we are in the lowest place in the desert and it feels like everything and everybody is sucking the life right out of us, God breathes peace. Joy. Love. And we are able to enjoy life to the fullest even on the dark days. That, for me, is life and life to the fullest.

I will enjoy every wrinkle that my husband and I may get. I will laugh at every grey hair that grows. And I will live life to the fullest on the darkest of nights and the brightest of days. Because I know that there will be many of them to come.

Love, Mom

Dear Grace,

You're 5 now. Every birthday I think back the day when you were born. I remember holding you for the very first time. It's a memory and feeling that a mom never forgets. Today you turned 5 years old. I don't want to think about the fact that you're half way to 10 now. And how 10 is half way to 20. Nope, not thinking about that.

You are a lot of fun at 5. You've grown so much over the last year. I look back at pictures of you and am amazed at how much you've grown up into a little lady. You've matured a lot too. I love it when you observe something about life and come to me in deep thought to talk about it. You're understanding of God and who God is in your life is really amazing for a girl your age. The other day you told me that God doesn't have a body but that he has just always been. You said it so matter of fact that challenged even my own faith. You consider Jesus to be your "forever friend" and talk about him in a way that is sincere and without reservation. You love to read stories of Jesus and learn about his life. You feel with all that is within you.Whether it be when you are excited, hurting, happy, or even sad. Some might call you dramatic but I like to think of you as just passionate. I love that about you.

You are one of the best big sisters I know. You will stroke Noel's face in a way that only a mama would do. You are such a nurturer. Hope adores you. She wants to be just like her big sister. And honestly, you don't think of yourself in that way. You are just best friends with your sister and love her for who she is. You care deeply. Love deeply. Hurt deeply. You remind me so much of myself at times. When I look at you, I see myself but it isn't the side of myself that I don't like. You bring out the best in me, Grace. I am so proud of who you are at 5 years old that even though I hate to see you grown up because I don't want to lose you, I'm much more excited about watching you grow and become. I know that the best years are yet to come and the last 5 were pretty darn good! Happy Birthday Gracie. Thank you for making me a mommy 5 years ago.

All my love,

All my life,

Your Mom

Thank you, Jesus

Psalms is one of those books of the Bible that is my "go-to" book. When I'm sad, happy, depressed, in need of encouragement, looking to put words to my worship, or any other emotion I go to Psalms.

Yesterday my husband got a really great job after only 10 days of looking. He has made looking for a job a full time job. He would leave around 8a.m. and not come home until almost 5 p.m. He went to every job placement center in Springfield and even worked a temp job all last week. He applied for anything and everything, just about. He finally got an interview yesterday with a company that is a very reputable company. He is the director of Member Services, which is more like public relations. He degree is in Communications, so he is excited to be able to really use his degree in this job. The pay is great and has full benefits. God couldn't have done a better job at placing him in a job. So, this morning I go to Psalms.......

Psalm 138: 1-3

Thank you! Everything in me says "Thank you!" Angels listen as I sing my thanks.
I kneel in worship facing your holy temple
and say it again: "Thank you!"
Thank you for your love,
thank you for your faithfulness;
Most holy is your name,
most holy is your Word.
The moment I called out, you stepped in;
you made my life large with strength.

Church Search

So far we've tried out 3 churches since moving here.

Church #1- This church is a church plant from the largest church in the Springfield, MO area. It is newer to the southwest side of Springfield. We had heard some good things about it, so we decided that since it was really in a convenient location for us, we'd try it out. First of all, it took us 20 minutes to check in our kids. You have to get your picture taken as if you're going through airport security. I'm all for security for my kids safety, but they went to an extreme in my opinion. After service was over, we had to stand in a really long time as 1 of 4 kiosk to get a printed "check out" paper for each of our children. This took another 15-20 minutes JUST to check them out. I didn't feel like they were as interested in ministering to my kids as they were your system they had going on and counting how many they had check in that day. The sermon was okay. I am not one of those people that interpret the Bible word for word. I think that God gives us a mind and that we ought to use it. I didn't get that from this pastor's message. Worship, on the other hand, was great. They did have a choir, which in my opinion, is outdated for a church of this kind. I just don't get it. All in all, I'd rate my experience at this church to be a C-.

Church #2- This church we already knew to expect to be more traditional then we were used to. But, we decided to go any way. We know the pastor personally and he is a great guy as far as what we know of him. His sermon lacked a lot of depth that Sunday morning. Again, worship was filled with a choir and your "older" modern worship blended with the traditional hymns. The thing that turns me off more than anything about this church is something that the pastor says every week. I'm paraphrasing, "If you are a visitor, after church get your picture taken and I'll put it in my book and next week, I'll greet you by name." Ummm, okay. I'd rather you not know my name by memorization but to actually get to know my name because you got to know me. The fact that you put my face in an album and memorize my name, doesn't impress me. I would rate my experience at this church to be a B. Only because it seems to have a great kids program which I am always impressed with.

Church #3- Came highly recommended by someone we respect and feel is in touch with what makes a good church. We had experienced this church a little over a year ago and wasn't impressed but we were willing to give it another try. This church has recently hired a new pastor that we were very impressed with. Upon getting the kids easily checked into the right places, we were greeted with a friendly man that was excited we were there. It wasn't as if he was excited because we were another number, but we felt a genuine excitement from him. Little did we know that that man was the pastor. The facility is very trendy and laid back, which we instantly felt good in. The worship needs some work. The man leading reminded me of Garth Brooks, which doesn't bode well for him. (I hate country music) The sermon was very good. It was well thought out, full of depth, and spoke to my heart. The people around us seems very friendly. We were standing trying to find a seat and had some people move over for us. Something you don't find just any place. These people were not stuck in their ways but we got a feel of just wanting to love of people. They care about their environment, which was something that bothered me about church #1 with using all those check in and check out sheets of paper every week. They offered a lot of different small groups that were attractive to me. This church made me feel like I had just gotten home from a long journey to put on my favorite comfy blue jeans and my big t-shirt. I give this church a B+. If the worship had been better, it would have been an A+.

These are just my opinions. I just want to go to a church that has real people with real problems with a pastor that is transparent in offering himself as real too. I don't want a bunch of fluff. I want depth. Jesus has depth and I want to be challenged in my relationship with him. I want to draw closer to him in my church experience. I also want a place where my kids are taught about the ways of Christ and that the stories they hear only enforce what they are already learning at home. I want them to experience something real and comforting.

Not sure where we'll go this next week. Maybe back to church #3. Not sure. But we are searching.

There's always next time....

I have a love-hate relationship with working out lately. But, who doesn't?! Good. Glad I'm not alone. Before I got pregnant with Noel I was in the best shape of my married life. I was between a size 8-10 and was just starting a walk to run program to jump start myself again to try to get down between a 6-8. That is when it happened. I got pregnant and it made every motivation I had come to a screeching halt. I didn't think it would take me too long to get back into the swing of things after Noel was born except for the curve ball of having a c-section due to her being breech. Was NOT expecting that!

I've spent the last month in somewhat of a frustration. I went to my 6 week check up expecting to hear "you are free to be you" only to hear "no heavy exercising for another 2 weeks and even then you'll have to start slow". WHAT? I'm carrying around about 15 lbs of precious baby weight that I'm really wanting to rid myself of so that I can get back to the LAST 15 lbs I was wanting to lose before I got pregnant. That's 30 lbs, people! Ugh. I can do it. I know I can. But, it won't be easy.

I'm on day 3 of weight watchers (on my own) and have worked out every day this week. I'm feeling a little sore most mornings but that's gone by the evening when I pull myself up on the elliptical, turn on my music, and pep talk myself through a 30 minute weight control workout with mostly high levels of resistance. I do it, barely. But, I do it. Somehow I've got to transition my mind from it feeling somewhat "easier" before to now it being such a challenge. Tonight I did 8 leg lifts to try and strengthen the muscles in my lower abdomen. That's more than last weeks 2. I will get stronger and I will get thinner and I will conquer this nasty thing we in America struggle with so badly. Give me a year and I'll be there. I did, however, think I would turn 30 looking the best I've ever looked. That didn't happen but I did turn 30 looking like this.........

SO, I guess I can't really complain about that. Plus, there's always 31!

Blue Skies

As I sit listening to the lullaby praise music coming from the baby monitor, I'm overwhelmed with the thoughts that clouded my mind when I found out I was pregnant with little Miss Noel. The uncertainty of the pregnancy being so unplanned and not knowing whether I could handle 3 kids or not. This week she turns 10 weeks old and the joy that she has brought into our family is almost more than my emotional soul can handle without shedding some tears. She smiles and small giggles fill the room and we all stop to listen and watch. Even Grace and Hope become just as enchanted by her as we do.

God knows our hearts and knows our souls. We forget that he formed us in our Mother's womb and that he knows our deepest needs before we do. Lately, I've been deeply reminded of this lesson. Life never works out the way we planned but when we serve God even the negative looks like a big puffy cloud against a blue sky.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

T W O months and counting....

Noel is 2 months old and stealing more and more of my heart daily. The moment I don't think I could love her any more is the moment that she will smile or nuzzle her nose into my neck. She's such a pleasant baby. Loves to lay and watch life going on around her. She will give the biggest smiles when talked to and at times will let out a little giggle that acts like its just waiting to be a full blow laugh. She's so precious. Life is so full that I honestly don't remember when she wasn't with us. My life couldn't be more complete with my three girls. Life is full of fun, screams, giggles, and drama. I love ALMOST every minute of it.

We've Moved.

We've moved. I'm free to be me.

After only a year living in Portland, OR we made the long trek back to Missouri. It was a hard move to make. It was one that we didn't always want to make but knew was the best for our family. The decision to move back home was not made overnight, like some might think.

In February our salary was cut very drastically by $700 a month! When that happened and we looked down at my big 8th month pregnant belly, Thing 1, and Thing 2 running around us, we knew something had to be done. We had considered staying in Portland and just getting another job but with that, we were risking everything by not having our family support system around us. I remember the night in February when we made the final decision. I had butterflies in my stomach as I had fallen in love with Oregon in a way I had not intended. The people, places, tress, nature, food, and culture was something that I felt at home with. And THAT has never happened to me. I'll always feel like Oregon is part of me in a very special way.

That was then, this is now. I am sitting in my new home while the kids play in their rooms. I look out over my backyard at the trees and all the birds and squirrels fight over some nuts on the ground. We don't have job currently but with several interviews today and possible ones next week, we are optimistic that this is the best move we've made. I feel free in ways I've never felt before. Free from the judgement of church ministry. Free to just be me. While I think very fondly of our year in Oregon, I'm glad to be home.

I'm one lucky girl

I feel like I'm in a camp for the navy seals or something. My day doesn't quite ever end. I go from kid to kid, need to need, want to want, and then do it all again. All day. All night. When I'm not attending to some need or demand, I'm worrying about each child individually. Are they developing the way they need to? Will Hope grow out of dropping the first letter of her words? When will she learn to use the potty? What is going through her head that she will pee on the floor NEXT to the potty chair? Is she scared of it? How can I help her? Am I holding her enough? Hugging her enough? Spending enough time with her?

Is Grace acting out? What is the behavior for? What is the reason? Why? What did I do wrong? What can I do to prevent it from happening again? Am I holding her enough? Am I spending enough time with just her? Is she being treated fairly at school? How can I encourage a healthy self esteem? Is she ready to start reading? How do I teach her? Which school will she go to?

Then there is Noel? She is 5 weeks old. There are a million and a half questions that go through my head as I'm feeding her and watching her sleep. Mostly, though, she's the easy one right now.

I worry. I am a worrier. I try not to but it just happens. Then tonight something happened. I was sitting in the mall food court with my crew of a family. We were sharing some Chinese food. Noel was sleeping peacefully in her stroller next to me. She had the milk drunk look since I had just fed her. Her mouth was slightly opened in a way that made me want to just lean down and kiss it! I looked across from me and Hope was picking out all the peas in her rice and placing them on her fork then shoveling them into her mouth. I smiled. I turned my eyes to Grace sitting next to her. She was talking nonstop about the flower girl dress we had just bought her. In between bits of sweet and sour chicken she talked, talked, and talked. I smiled. I sat in my chair eating my Beijing beef while my husband sat next to me. I could feel his arm brush against mine as he gave all his attention to his food. Again, I smiled. Then I said this, "I'm one lucky girl to be needed by so many."

It's true. I'm stretched beyond my own capability and at times I think I might go crazy. Literally. But, I'm one lucky girl to be needed by so many.