Nightlight

Life with 3 kids can be, well for lack of better words, poppy. It is downright exhausting and overwhelming. I can never start something of my own that I get to finish. I am constantly interrupted no matter what I'm doing. This includes using the bathroom, taking a shower, blogging, working out, or fixing dinner. Shoot even getting myself some lunch gets interrupted by the constant drone of the wants, complaints, and the whining.

By human nature, we are selfish people. We want what we want and we want it when we want it. It is hard to think of others. Being a mom puts this desire for self to the test more than any "job" I know of. The more kids, the less of you. This is hard for me. I'll admit it, I like my "me" time. I like working out without interruption. I enjoy taking a shower without needs being presented. And I would love some time to fix a sandwich and sit down at the table and just eat. Currently, I eat on the go. I eat in small increments of time over the course of the day.

This last weekend we went to my brother in law's wedding. As they were standing up before the entire room filled with people my eyes were pulled over to the best man, who happens to be my husband. My mind began to fill with memories of our wedding day over 8 years ago. I smiled at the thoughts. Then my lips began to be pulled down and met my eyes with a blank stare. The last 8 years have been hard. Very hard. I didn't stay in the memory for very long, I pulled my eyes and my mind back to the present moment of the young couple saying their vows but the rattling thoughts of heart break was something I couldn't shake. Then I turned my attention to the other side of the couple to the flower girl, who happens to be my oldest daughter. Again a smile. Then "the look" at her to leave her dress alone. At that moment I saw her hand go up near her face and a petite thumb poked up to give me a thumbs up.

Today I struggle with the thoughts that filled my mind on that day. My husband and I have been dragged through the mud of church ministry. It feels like we've been put on display dealing with the lose of our baby boy at 19 weeks pregnant. The scars run deep in our souls that leave us, today, wondering what its really all about. I don't have the answer in this blog post today. But, I do know that the 3 time consumers of my life are my purpose for now. Grace in all her passionate drama, Hope with her 2 year old frustrations, and Noel in her 4 month joy. They are mine. They are ours. The smile is put back on my face today because although there's been a lot of hurt, my husband and I have made it good. We've laughed through the sadness and we've held each other on those dark and cold nights. And he always leaves the nightlight on for me.