I'm the college mom

I've spent my week in and out of class rooms at my new college. I have 9 credits done from my one year of college over 10 years ago and am now adding onto that with 10 more credits this semester. Algebra, English Comp 1, & Anatomy-Physiology. The math and English are there just because I have to have them but the one I really care about is my Anatomy & Physiology class. I have 3 semesters of prerequisites before I am able to move on to actual Nursing School. A dream of mine for a VERY long time. Eventually I'll be a Nurse Practitioner but for now I'm a college student, mom, wife.................

The list goes on and on. It is hard to transition your mind having just sent a 2 year old to time out for a tantrum to changing a really poppy diaper from a 6 month old to sitting in English Comp next to a kid either just out of high school or barely out. It's like trying to have a decent conversation with a brick. I've met other adults my own age who are either just married, no kids, or a man. And let's just say it out loud here, when you are a man and you are married with children (hey, wasn't that a tv show at one time) you still have it better than us mom's. I'm not trying to say we're better or do more, but listen, we do more. I remember when my husband was going to college. We had one child and then added another one during that time. He would go to work where he would sit down at a desk and end up doing some of his homework there. He would come home, eat dinner that was fixed FOR him, leave for class and not think a second thing about whether the kids were being cared for or not. That wasn't a worry when he started school. For me, and most mom's, the biggest questions is "What am I going to do with my kids?" We sit in the classroom trying to get a degree because for reasons not all of us understand we didn't get it done before we had kids and now we feel stuck. We also want our girls to expect more out of themselves but can't tell them to do so without doing it ourselves. So, we get up early in the morning and don't stop until we lay our heads down late at night. And sometimes, our head has to come off that pillow during the night for reasons named Child 1, child 2, child 3, and hyper dog. We wake up with still a tinge of exhaustion lingering. And not the kind of exhaustion that most college students face. It's the emotionally draining exhaustion of giving to our families and trying to find a sense of who we are underneath it all.

It is hard and this is only my first week. But, I have one week down and only 15 more to go! Go me! Go all you other college moms!

My Orchard

I often get inspirational tid bits from Twitter. This morning as I was reading through the tweets of those I follow, I ran across @prodigaljohn. His said this,

@prodigaljohn: Everyday the enemy tries to offer you an apple, when God has already given us an orchard.

I contemplated this for awhile, all day actually. Tonight while I was doing my 3rd round of vacuuming I was thinking about that. Today the enemy handed us an apple. I began to think about the ladder part of that tweet, "when God has already given us an orchard." I don't believe that it is always easy to FIND the orchard, however. God has given us an orchard but that doesn't always mean that it is right in front of our faces. I think more times than not, it really has everything to do with how God takes nothing, us, me, you, and makes something. My dad has said for years that when you don't know what else to do, you just stand. Stand and be faithful. Being faithful in your mind as well as your heart. You can give your tithe, ready your Bible, and pray every single day but if you are not thinking with positive "orchard" thoughts, then nothing that you DO is going to make much of a difference. Choosing to not stay in the state of just having an apple but looking forward. Onward to the orchard that is already yours and mine.

I'm not sure WHERE our orchard is or when we will find it but I know it is there. I think it is a peach orchard. Big, plumb, fuzzy peaches that when you take a big bite into them the juice dribbles down your chin onto your shirt and the meat of the peach melts in your mouth. I envision a well designed sign, cause that's how we do things around here, in the front of the orchard that says, "I am always faithful." I know that once we find that orchard there will still be a worm or two along the way, but I can feel the breathe of God on my neck and I know that he is ever so close. I will put one foot in front of the other and just like a mother holding the hands of her little toddler giving her walking assistance, so will God be holding me close with each step that I take.

Hebrews 10:23

The end of an era

"The end of an era is defined as a significant amount of time." -Monica Geller

The last five years has been a significant amount of time for me. I have spent almost every day since May 24, 2005 committed to being a stay at home mom to my daughter, Grace. She starts school on Thursday and the end of spending every waking moment with her is coming, very quickly, to an end. I'll be honest that this brings great joy to me. I have 2 other children that bide for my time and having Grace at school will free my time up to take care of the other two and get things done during their nap times, which Grace no longer takes. There is that part of me that is so tired of being that stay at home mom and is going to be eagerly waving good-bye to her as she departs on the school bus. Then instantly following that eagerly good-bye is a deep sorrow for myself. She will begin a journey into becoming a young lady, a young woman, to eventually a woman of excellence. I am confident that she will excel in all she puts her mind to and I know without doubt that she will succeed, even in Kindergarten. The deep sorrow for myself is remembering the 3 day of her life when we had to bring her back up to the hospital because of her low biliruben and the nurse dropped her vile of blood everywhere and then rudely says, "We have to do it again." This mama went to bat for my baby and requested another nurse. The beginning of Mama Bear began. My heart takes flight to the day when my life felt like it was at its end with my marriage, living with my in laws, trying to figure out where the next dollar was going to come from. I would waken early to pull Grace close to me to feed her the way only a mother can. Then I would escape in her smell and wish myself to be in another place with her. My mind escapes to the time when all the darkness was far behind me, us, and she took her first steps in our very sad little apartment. As she would carry a bright red ball down the hallway that was almost bigger than her with the biggest, and most accomplished, smile planted on her face. I smile at the thought. Then I cry at the memory of her being 15 mo. old in the cutest brown poppy cotton dress as she stood leaning backward in the chair at the airport gate waiting for her Grammy, Papa, and Aunt Jenni to arrive from across the ocean after not seeing her since she was just 12 weeks old. Mostly, I laugh, smile, and my eyes twinkle with the many vivid memories of her brilliant personality that takes flight the moment she wakens in the morning and doesn't go to sleep until, well, she is fast asleep in her bed. Her creative imagination is just one of the many things I love about my Grace and I know that although, to me, it's the end of an era it's really only the beginning. Thursday is the first day of the rest of her life. I'll be ready with an after school snack when she steps off the bus to hear every little detail in a way that only Grace can give.

Happy School Year, my dear Gracie Girl.

Promise, Possibility

I am a Promise.

I am a Possibility.

I am a Promise

With a capitol P

I am a great big bundle of potentiality

And if you listen,

You can hear God's voice

And if you're trying

You can make the right choice

You are a Promise to be

Everything He wants you to be.

We all have fears. I fear failure. I question myself constantly. Am I a good enough mother? Will my kids end up laying on a couch in a counselors office because of me? Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? Am I a good enough wife? Could I do more?

It is hard to look into the mirror and see what my husband sees. The way my kids see me when they hug my neck. Most importantly, the way my Creator sees me. The One who formed me in my Mother's womb. The One who created the universe and placed the stars in the sky, also created me for a purpose. It is hard to remember that I am made in the very image, likeness, of God himself.

I know I sell myself short. I know I limit my own possibility by letting the darkness of evil override the beauty that God gave me. And I know that if I can look at these three little people and see nothing but beauty, pureness, and endless possibilities then I know that I am apart of that same promise.

Main Entry: promise

Function: noun

1: reason to expect something ; especially: ground for expectation of success, improvement, or excellence

Main Entry: possibility

Function: noun

1: the condition or fact of being possible
2 archaic: one's utmost power, capacity, or ability
3: something that is possible
4: potential or prospective value --usually used in plural

Grace

Hope

Noel

I have reason to expect success out of myself because I am not just me. I am full of the likeness of the same God that created my very beautiful and perfect children.