Healthy Me.

Honestly is something that I've been accused of being. It's something that I love about myself. I believe in honestly. And so here goes my honestly, once again.

I'm struggling. Really bad struggling. I have something that is abbreviated as PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I have 3 really great weeks out of my month where I feel like myself and then about 7-10 days before my cycle I'll have every symptom that is listed under PMDD. I hate myself during this time. I know that I can't control my feeling or emotions which makes me want to hide under a rock. Then I go through the emotion of wondering why my husband would ever want to be married to someone like me. Feeling completely at a loss of who I am.

Then one day I'll wake up after the week of hell, which feels more like a month, and the sun will have risen and I'll feel lighter. This is a disorder that is extremely hard to deal with naturally but I'm committed to doing it. My first step is to reevaluate the way I eat. What foods do once they enter my body is something that I'm learning more and more about. Exercising. Conquering the weight gain once and for all.

I have a lot of questions as I'm on this journey to emotional and physical health. One is about hormones in our foods and what do they do to us. Gluten? What does it do and how could it affect me. Even going so far as to explore what a life might look like as a vegan. I'm exploring and I'm learning. I'm sure my anatomy class and my nutrition class will sure help me understand my own body.

Relationships

I'm a mom of a 5 year old, 2 1/2 year old, and a 4 month old. I don't know what its like to have your child graduate from high school and move away to college. Or to have your child pursue a job that takes them more than a days drive from "home". I don't know what it might feel like to have the baby that kicked around inside of you and giggled at the sight of you with bright eyes, marry someone and move half way across the country. I don't know how any of that feels. I might, one day.

I married into a family that is from another part of the country than I am from. We try to visit as often as we can, but even that is only once a year. When we go we often hear the question of "why we don't live closer?". It begins to feel as though where ever we decided to live in our life, will never be quite good enough unless it is within a 3 hours drive. It's hard as the "outsider" to not take all these comments from family and friends to be personal, since I am not from there feeling as though I'm to blame for "taking" their boy from his habitat. My perspective on the whole thing is my own reality of today. We live here, you live there. That's reality right at this moment. Why contemplate what could be and miss out on what is? It's something my husband and I talk about often. We only have today. And really we don't even have that. We have this moment. So, let's take this moment by the horns and live it to the fullest.

As I parent and become the person I desire to be. My prayers begin to change. I'm praying that I can be flexible with my kids in allowing them my blessing to go and be whatever it is they choose. To enjoy their visits to the fullest without wishing or wanting more than they can give. To realize that my job is to raise them in the knowledge of Christ and believe in themselves to conquer life on their own in a way that makes me proud. But, to also know that their life is not about me. God didn't give me charge over them for this time in order for them to "serve" me in a way that I deem acceptable. I pray that God grants me the understanding to accept who they are even now. So often, as parents, we take for granted that our kids are so much apart of us that we fail to give them room to be something apart from us. I admit that there are parts of my oldest daughter that I don't understand and she's only 5. But, I accept those parts as hers. My children are really not my own. God has granted me the privilege of being their parent for this time. Ultimately, they are God's. We are all God's. One day if the road that Grace travels lands her in some foreign country, I'll use whatever means I can to stay in contact with her and embrace her life for her. Giving my unharnessed blessing because in that she will become free to be who she is. Knowing that in my own sacrifice of love for her, she will respect me even more and desire to be apart of MY life and not just me desiring to be apart of HER life.

I hope and pray that when that time comes, I can make those choices right. I pray that for now, I accept who each of my children are in their own unique personalities. Not an easy task, but one that is worth my time of learning.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

It's been said to me on more than one occasion that I look like my dad. His eyes disappear when he smiles and so do mine. When he laughs hard, he tends to suck in air and makes a sound that makes you think of a donkey. And, though not many know it, I do that too. He is a planner. So am I. He is always early. Guilty of that too. More than all of the personality quirks that make dad, Dad. He has taught me about life and spirituality that no other ever has.

When I was a young teenager my dad and I did not always get along. He was trying to protect me from "the world" and I was trying to experience "the world". We did not see eye to eye on the subject. The lesson I learned from those years of trial and error, mostly error, was that my dad would love me through it. He wasn't always proud of my choices, but what parents is all the time, but his love never wavered. I remember hearing my dad praying in the early mornings hours. He wouldn't know it, but I'd stand in the hallway at times and listen to his prayers. He prayed for me. My dad likes me. Dad used to say as we would be smashed tog ether in the backseat of a Pontiac Bonneville, "Even if ya'll weren't my family, I'd still want to hang out with you." As much as I'd laugh at this silly thought of him hanging out with me if I wasn't his daughter, it always stayed with me. My dad liked me for me. He never expected me to be more or less than who I was. He expected greatness out of me, but nothing that wasn't already put there by God.

Dad taught me to dream. Dream big, dream freely, and dream often. I love this about my Dad. I still remember to this day when he called a "family meeting" to tell us all that him and Mom were applying to be missionaries. My heart was on cloud 9. Missions has been my heart's cry since I was 12 and to this day, bleeds for people. I get this from my Dad. There were many nights when my dad would get up in the middle of the night due to a phone call concerning someone in need. He saw people as people and nothing less. My Dad is a giver. Because of this, I still can't sit through a missionaries sermon without wanting to empty my bank account.

My dad is a spiritual Champion in my life. He lived before me a life of faithful prayer and communication with God. Dad was never all that good at praying with us, but that's okay. Because when he would pray, it could move mountains. I'd take quality over quantity any day.

My Dad loves my Mom. His eyes light up like a little boy on Christmas morning when he knows he has gotten her something she is going to love. A couple Christmas' ago he got her a blue topaz necklace. It was a gift to me just to watch and hear his excitement over it. On Christmas morning it was almost as entertaining to watch him watch her open the special gift. He loves my Mom and that is a gift that a girl will never want to return.

My Dad is a good Papa. When I had Grace, my Dad stood outside the room waiting to hear the cries of his first grandchild. I think he may have cried that day. When I was on bed rest with Hope, my dad and I spent a lot of time together. I'd lay on the couch or sit in the opposite recliner with him and we'd watch old movies. During my 9 months of being pregnant I think we watched "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" at least 3 times. Dad took care of me since my husband was working long hours. He gave me security during that time when I felt I had none.

Dad isn't the kind of guy that you just call up and talk to for hours on end. He doesn't speak a lot of words but there are times when he'll say something to me and I know to listen because I know it will be worth my attention. Dad has wisdom.

So, Dad, thank you for loving me. Thank you for liking me. I'm so glad that God chose me to be you daughter. It's a pleasure. Happy Father's Day.

Let the adventure continue.....

I have three kids. There's absolutely never a dull moment. In fact, as I am writing this my 2 year old is jumping excitedly on the couch while my 5 year old is running continuous circles around her with some long stick like thing yelling, "You can't catch me, you can't catch me, you can't catch me...." while the 2 year old is giggling hysterically with short breaths of growling like a monster. Yes, this is my life.

Yesterday was one of those days where nothing went right. The schedule were all off which made me feel out of control and it seemed like everyone was crying for most of the day. It was one of those days where when I went out for my run, I ran hard. I got it all out and returned home refreshed and in much better spirits for my husband to spend the evening with.

While enjoying the silence of the evening, I received an e-mail from a friend that shared another blog with me from a women who also has the exciting life of 3 children. I read it and cried when I read, "...you can do this." I so needed to hear that, or rather, read that. This came after I had filled two garbage bags full of Grace's toys because she refused to clean her room that same evening. This came after Hope had taken a bright red marker to the walls in her sisters room and expressed herself vividly. This came after I had spent my entire morning with my 3 1/2 month old tied to my hip as she screamed her head off between flashes of smiles because of teething. This came after the physical expression of Hope throwing her body on the ground when I would not pick her. This came after a bill that I am unable to pay at the moment made its way into my mailbox only to add to the stress of an already frustrating day. "You can do this," is exactly what I needed at that very moment.

Thanks fellow blogger. I gotta go now. The 2 year old is pretend "crying" trying to get her older sister in trouble for only God knows what. Let the adventure continue.

By the way, here's some pics I've taken recently. Hope you enjoy them as much I do.