Lately..

Lately, I've been....

.....laying around a lot.

.....eating a lot of crackers.

.....thanking God for my husband who rubs my back nightly.

.....amazed at Hope and her growth.

....so thankful for Grace and her grown up attitude towards helping me out.

.....missing my mom.

.....praying over my belly and the little jumping bean growing in there.

......wanting pancakes.

.....gagging when I brush my teeth.

.....sad for a dear friend who is going through miscarriage.

......remembering my own heartbreaking miscarriages and how awesome God is.

......drinking milk.

.....taking prenatals.

.....sleeping a lot.

.....letting the kids watching a lot of tv.

.....feeling bad about letting the kids watch a lot of tv.

.....surviving through the 1st trimester of nausea and throwing up.

.....wearing stretchy pants.

......blessed.

My Legacy

I recently read a blog on Momlogic about a mother dying of cancer. She spent her last days planning and teaching her husband how to care for their 2 small children. The blog spent a lot of time talking about how she taught her husband how to pick out clothes for their daughter and how to fix her hair. The blog wrote of how she made birthday cards for all the birthdays she would miss. It was a sad blog but not in ways you may have thought. It was sad, yes, because she died at only the age of 29 and left a 4 year old and a 2 year old. But, what I found sad was that she never talked, or so it seemed in the blog, to her children about what it was like to be a person of influence for Christ. It only talked about teaching her husband about how to deal with the outward appearance and what schools the children should attend. Not one word was said about what the mother would want to say to the daughter later on in life about being a women of grace, mercy, and justice.

It got me thinking about what I would want to say to my kids if I knew my time was limited. If I knew that I wouldn't see their birthdays and their many Christmas's to come, what would I want to radiant to them from their mom. Here's just a short list from the mom of Grace, Hope, and baby #3.

1. God's plans are not always our own. We don't understand why things happen in life, but we do know that God holds us and his strength is sufficient for all our needs. It's okay to not understand. It's okay to ask questions and not know the answers.

2. The good men are few and far between. You have to search and wait. Wait as long as it takes to find just the right one. Never settle for LESS than God's absolute best. Your daddy is a great example of a good man. If a man doesn't open the door and treat you like a princess, then keep looking.

3. You are both the most beautiful people I know, but if you don't show others love, mercy, and fight for justice then you are nothing but a pretty face. Seeing people in their hearts and in their time of need and doing something about it, that's what makes you beautiful.

4. When you choose what you are going to wear for the day, remember that if you wouldn't wear it in front of your dad then you need to go change. Men like the mystery. I know society tells you otherwise, but when it comes time for those boys in high school to marry they won't be marrying the girls who slept with the entire football team. They will be looking for a girl with virtue, purity, and a self confidence in who she is. And you can only find that in your relationship with Christ.

5. God is the compass of your life. If you life your life without God being the center of it all, then you live a meaningless life. I want your life to be full of fun, smiles, and laughter. Even in the hard times, when you have God you can find a smile in knowing that you don't have to worry about tomorrow.

6. I love you more than life itself. I cherish you. Your daddy and I love each other through a lot of hard days. Grace, Hope, and baby #3, you all are the sunshine of our life. God's mercies are new every morning but so are your smiles. Fresh as the morning dew!

Burdens

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30

What burden do you need to lay down at the feet of Jesus? For me, it is the unknown of tomorrow. The feeling of being a failure because I can't play with my kids the way I want to because I am so sick from being pregnant. All I want to do is lay on the couch and do nothing, but there is a house to be cleaned, laundry to be done, and kids to be fed. I feel the burden of losing all my weight and being so worried it will all come back. The concern about Hope and how she will adjust to have another baby in the house. Yep, I'm carrying some burdens. A burden of missing my family and wishing so badly that my mom was closer. I'm burdened for my husband having to come home from working all day to a wife that looks like the walking dead and only fixes sandwiches for dinner. And yet, he doesn't mind and has carried a huge load at home lately.

Jesus says that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. To lay it all down and let him carry the load. Letting him worry about tomorrow. Letting him fret about my future. Letting him give me the strength to say I need help right now, not just from my husband, but from a God that knows me and has walked me through everything. The uncertainty can be certain when you know that God knows your hand and will walk you through every step of the way.

His mercies are new every morning. GREAT is his faithfulness.

Finding a New Normal

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

I love this quote. I read it several years ago after I first had Grace. I think it is such a true quote about how we really all feel when we hold our children in our arms for the first time. The first one is very special because it is simply your first. Of course, each child holds an area of our hearts that is just designed for them. Grace was my baby that I had longed for after losing a baby at 19 weeks. She was the ultimate healing of my heart from a very destroying time in my life. She was the peace in the midst of a jobless storm. She was the Grace that I felt and needed in my life.

Hope was also very special because I had been so unsure about her even making it to the due date. I bled off and on through my entire pregnancy with her and was on bed rest more than I cared for. It was a hard pregnancy, an exhausting pregnancy, but a very much wanted pregnancy. When she was born and they flopped her onto my chest. She was all cheesy and icky, but I didn't care. I kissed her and cried for joy because she was such a miracle to me. She was my Hope that all things work together for the good for those who love the Lord.

I am now almost 7 weeks pregnant with our surprise 3rd baby. There have been a lot of emotions with this baby. We had never intended on having any more than our 2 girls. Mainly because of the effects that pregnancy has had on me in the past. I didn't feel like going through several miscarriages it takes to finally get my healthy baby was something that I wanted to go through again or subject my girls to the emotional mommy they would have. I was ready to put all the hurt and loss behind me and move on knowing that I am one of the most blessed women in the world. I was planning big things for my future. Grace starts preschool this fall which frees me up tremendously. I was so looking forward to heading back to school and accomplishing some goals that I have put off for far too long. Don't get me wrong, I am excited for this baby. But, having to switch my mind from being done with having kids to feeling like I'm almost starting all over, was not something I was prepared to do or an emotion I was anticipating having. The worry about how to handle 3 kids really concerns me. As I'm writing this, my oldest is in time out, and all the crying and drama that goes with that, for talking back to me. Life is chaos and we're adding another little person to the mix? That makes my head spin.

Here's where that "no matter what" faith comes in. That trust that sees beyond the chaos. The strength to know that I'm never alone. The capacity to let go and not expect perfection from myself but knowing that I am nothing without Christ shining in my life. There will be days ahead when I know that I will feel like I can't go on with these kids. I know my mom felt that way from time to time. But, the times when each of my 3 children look to me for advise, hugs, kisses, and unconditional love are the times that every mother lives for. Being a mom isn't about being organized. It's not about whether all the laundry stays done, and we all know it doesn't. It's about raising children that shine with the light of Christ and will one day grow to be adults that not only shine but become the star.

Finding a new normal is where I'm at right now. What I thought was normal is changing and I don't for a minute regret being pregnant or adding another little person to the mix of the chaos we like to call our life.

No Matter What

Faith is something that is easy for me. I have faith in God. Faith in my husband. Faith in my kids. Faith in myself. Faith that one day we will live in a world with no more pain or sorrow. Faith in knowing that no matter what, I believe in a God that is bigger than all my fears. You can have faith in a lot of things. But, TRUST is completely different.

I don't trust our government. I don't trust a lot of people. I do trust my husband. I don't trust that if I leave an unpeeled banana out on the cabinet that it won't turn brown, because some things just never change. I do trust in God. I trust in Christ as the center and lover of my soul.

This is my 6th pregnancy. I have faith that this baby is going to make it to 40 weeks and be born looking all disgusting, and then cute once they clean him/her off, crying his/her lungs out. I TRUST that no matter what happens between now and then that God will strengthen me, guide me, protect me, love me, and carry me NO MATTER WHAT. It is that no matter what faith that is more about trusting in a faith that is bigger than ourselves and seeing the bigger picture. That no matter what, I will give God praise. No matter what, I will smile through the darkest times. No matter what, I will raise my hands in complete surrender.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, none of us do. But, I do know that it feels good to be a place with God that no matter what, I trust and adore the One who does know my tomorrow.

(de)caffeinated mom

This Thursday would have marked the day that an event in our life would be over. My husband was supposed to go in for his vasectomy. We have two beautiful girls and we are good with that. God has blessed us even though we have lost 3 babies along the way. We are going to count our blessings and move on with life.

All of that changed on July 4th. This last week I was feeling like I had the stomach flu or something. Then a thought hit me, "Am I pregnant?" I waited a couple of days and the nausea was only getting worse and I was very tired. Sure signs of more than a stomach flu. So, I took a test not expecting it to be positive. I pee'd on that little stick and immediately saw the negative sign come up first. I washed my hands and then glanced back down and saw another bright blue line that would mean only one thing! Positive? I was so stunned that I even got the package out to make sure I knew which sign meant negative and which meant positive. I compared the picture with the test window. Sure enough, it was positive. I crawled back into bed and gently shook my husband awake. "Um, honey......so, yeah, I'm totally pregnant!" He jumped up in shock and got all excited about it. In that moment, I knew this was right. God knew better than I did about how many we should have. (and I secretly know it's a boy, but we'll see if I'm right or not)

I have a nervous butterfly that flutters around me right now because of losing 3 babies and almost losing our youngest early on. So, today the agenda is to call the doctor and get my progesterone checked. It ran low with Hope and that can be fatal to a baby if it runs low. I'm thankful that I really don't feel all that great, I count that as joy at this point. So, for now this caffeinated mom will turn (de)caffeinated mom!

Health Nut/God Nut

I have a long family history of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and heart disease just to name a few. As Bryan and I get older and we look towards our parents, grandparents, great grandparents and complete family history I am saddened by the way many live out their lives. Either by not taking care of the body God has given them or by not serving God with their lives. In the home of Bryan and Kristin, we are on a mission. A mission for lifelong health in every area of our lives. We strive for balance, structure, and joy! We laugh a lot in our home. Just last night while we were eating dinner together, we were graced with the attendance of Cinderella. Yes, apparently, Grace was visiting her grandparents and Cinderella took her place. "Cinderella" extended her hand across the table and says, "It is so nice to meet you, Bryan," at which point we busted up laughing! Having young children sure make it easier to laugh, but Bryan and I love to have fun together when the kids are in bed and all is quiet.

Today Bryan and I start a 14 day refocus where we eat 90% of our food as raw, whole, and all natural. We are really into eating more whole foods because we feel that this is the natural energy, health, and sustainability that God gave us in the very beginning. Now, we aren't radical about it per say. We like our Diet Dr. Pepper once a day. And our morning coffee. I am, after all, caffeinated mom for a reason! But, we are eliminating processed foods from our diet.

It was after my morning workout that I sat down at my kitchen bar with my raw almonds and slices of apple to do my spiritual workout. I opened up to Deuteronomy 6. Read with me,

Deuteronomy 6

^1-2 This is the commandment, the rules and regulations, that God, your God, commanded me to teach you to live out in the land you're about to cross into to possess. This is so that you'll live in deep reverence before God lifelong, observing all his rules and regulations that I'm commanding you, you and your children and your grand children, living good long lives

³ Listen obediently, Israel. Do what you're told so that you'll have a good life, a life of abundance and bounty, just as God promised, in a land abounding in milk and honey.

⁴ Attention, Israel!

God, our God! God the one and only!

⁵ Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that's in you, love him with all you've got!

We can eat all the right things, do all the right exercises, live the right way, but if we don't love God with our whole hearts, then we are nothing. Our life accounts for nothing but stuff. I love working out. I love eating healthy, but if I don't combine it with an all out love and respect for God, I'm doing it all in vain.

So, today as I make wise eating choices, I will also make the choices that bring me into focus with God. As I explained to my oldest last night about sin. I held up both my hands. I told her that my left hand was us, my right was God. God never changes. He never moves. He is always right there. But, when we make different choices whether right or wrong, we move. His love for us never changes, but we are the ones who change. When we find forgiveness and an all encompassing trust in Christ, then that is when we become intertwined with God and who God is. Like holding hands. You can't tell where one finger begins on what hand.

"Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that's in you, love him with all you've got!