Finding a New Normal

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

I love this quote. I read it several years ago after I first had Grace. I think it is such a true quote about how we really all feel when we hold our children in our arms for the first time. The first one is very special because it is simply your first. Of course, each child holds an area of our hearts that is just designed for them. Grace was my baby that I had longed for after losing a baby at 19 weeks. She was the ultimate healing of my heart from a very destroying time in my life. She was the peace in the midst of a jobless storm. She was the Grace that I felt and needed in my life.

Hope was also very special because I had been so unsure about her even making it to the due date. I bled off and on through my entire pregnancy with her and was on bed rest more than I cared for. It was a hard pregnancy, an exhausting pregnancy, but a very much wanted pregnancy. When she was born and they flopped her onto my chest. She was all cheesy and icky, but I didn't care. I kissed her and cried for joy because she was such a miracle to me. She was my Hope that all things work together for the good for those who love the Lord.

I am now almost 7 weeks pregnant with our surprise 3rd baby. There have been a lot of emotions with this baby. We had never intended on having any more than our 2 girls. Mainly because of the effects that pregnancy has had on me in the past. I didn't feel like going through several miscarriages it takes to finally get my healthy baby was something that I wanted to go through again or subject my girls to the emotional mommy they would have. I was ready to put all the hurt and loss behind me and move on knowing that I am one of the most blessed women in the world. I was planning big things for my future. Grace starts preschool this fall which frees me up tremendously. I was so looking forward to heading back to school and accomplishing some goals that I have put off for far too long. Don't get me wrong, I am excited for this baby. But, having to switch my mind from being done with having kids to feeling like I'm almost starting all over, was not something I was prepared to do or an emotion I was anticipating having. The worry about how to handle 3 kids really concerns me. As I'm writing this, my oldest is in time out, and all the crying and drama that goes with that, for talking back to me. Life is chaos and we're adding another little person to the mix? That makes my head spin.

Here's where that "no matter what" faith comes in. That trust that sees beyond the chaos. The strength to know that I'm never alone. The capacity to let go and not expect perfection from myself but knowing that I am nothing without Christ shining in my life. There will be days ahead when I know that I will feel like I can't go on with these kids. I know my mom felt that way from time to time. But, the times when each of my 3 children look to me for advise, hugs, kisses, and unconditional love are the times that every mother lives for. Being a mom isn't about being organized. It's not about whether all the laundry stays done, and we all know it doesn't. It's about raising children that shine with the light of Christ and will one day grow to be adults that not only shine but become the star.

Finding a new normal is where I'm at right now. What I thought was normal is changing and I don't for a minute regret being pregnant or adding another little person to the mix of the chaos we like to call our life.