Moment by Moment

Friday I had my first OB appointment. Bryan was going to go with me but when you have 2 small children that wouldn't last 3 minutes sitting still or being quiet in a doctor's office, you do what you have to do. I got in the car and the worry starting overtaking me. This isn't just my 3rd baby, this is my 6th pregnancy. WOW. To even say that makes my heart stop a little. On my way to the doctor's office my mind went back to the time I was sitting in Dr. Collins office in Bartlesville, OK with a 19 week pregnant belly only to discover that the baby inside that belly had passed away. Or the time I was 9 weeks pregnant and had an ultrasound but found no heartbeat. Or the time I ended up in the ER at 7 weeks because of hemorrhaging. When that happens to you, you know that just about anything can happen. It may not be the greatest way of looking at things, but let's face it, I'm a pretty honest person. The emotion and the fear began to overtake me when I gripped the steering wheel in tears and said, "Okay, God, it's just you and me again. Walk me through this. Hold my hand. Don't leave me for a second. And not matter what that ultrasound monitor tells me, I know that you and I will walk out of there together!" I didn't hear, "Yes, Kristin. You are right!" from God. But, I did feel a peace and a slight wind went through my car that made me smile. I wasn't alone and I knew it.

It always takes me so much longer than most "average" pregnant women in there. My history is pretty long and extensive. When you've been pregnant 6 times, with only 2 living, blood transfusions.....the conversations can get pretty lengthy. My NP put me right at ease and I was instantly comfortable with her. She was pleasant, real, and not at all in a hurry to just get done with me. She seemed very concerned about everything I was saying and at one point looked at me with very caring eyes and said, "YOU have been through it, haven't you?" I love it when medical professionals open this door. Then I get, "What did you name your 2 girls?" Then I proceed to tell them about the GRACE and HOPE that only Christ gives and how I would have never made it through any of those things without his spirit in my life. She simply smiled but didn't say anything. I wasn't sure if she believed or if she was a skeptic, but I almost sensed that maybe she was a little of both.

After reviewing my long history, I laid down on the table and she proceeded to perform the ultrasound. I have a love-hate relationship with ultrasounds. So much bad news has followed an ultrasound but also the good news of "It's a girl" TWICE has happened after an ultrasound. Thus, my love hate relationship. We're working through it, though. This time was no different. I've seen enough of these blurry screens to know what I'm looking at most of the time. Instantly I saw what I was looking for without her even saying anything. The heart beat was beating steadily and swiftly, at which point I saw a tiny arm extend. Then I smiled. All the worry, fear, and anxiety about even having a 3rd baby simply washed away. The only thought in my head was, "I'm having another baby!" Truly is still quite surreal to me. Something that I take in only moment to moment right now as I'm still battling horrible nausea and part of my body that are so sore I want to scream. (yeah, you women who've been pregnant know what I'm talking about) Moment by moment is really all we have. And all I can take in right now. If I get too far ahead of myself I start to hyperventilate and worry creeps in. SO, this moment I'm just thankful for a healthy baby, healthy baby environment, and healthy nausea. I won't think about what life will be like with 3 kids. How in the world we are going to get Hope transitioned over into a big bed. Starting to potty train her. Getting clothes for 3 kids. Shoes. Socks. Hope adjusting to not being the baby. Her throwing fits that won't quit. Grace starting school. NOPE, I'm just not going to go there.